Isn't
it crazy how we can look back a year ago and realize how much everything has
changed? The amount of people that have left your life, entered, and stayed.
The memories you won't forget and the moments you wish you did. Everything. It
is crazy how all that happened in just one year.
-
Unknown
Snakes.
I
hate snakes. When I was little I remember Mom, Dad and family friends taking us to the snake
pits in Manitoba. Mom said it was to help me get over my fear.
It
did not work.
In
fact, I remember that experience as a claustrophobic experience. Like there was
nowhere I was safe. I couldn’t escape the trillions of “deadly” garter snakes
that were EVERYwhere!
I
didn’t sleep for days weeks.
I
hate snakes. I actually think if I saw 1, and I do live in a desert where there are many different types, yeah, I have to stop talking about that now if I want to sleep tonight.
But, just let me say, I think I would be paralyzed with fear.
I
always thought snakes would forever be my biggest fear. Even flying, a huge fear
of mine, eased with time (and flight hours, I took flying lesson to overcome my
fear lol). When I flew to South Korea, I felt like I could do anything!
I
realized yesterday, snakes are no big thang…
it is death that is now my biggest
fear.
My
nephew died yesterday.
He fought cancer and cancer like the bitch she is fought
harder.
I
am petrified of cancer.
I mean heart stopping, hear your blood pumping in your ears with only blackness fogging your brain scared of cancer.
I
am so scared that someday that evil disease could come knocking at our
door again. I am terrified that it will come looking for my girls. I am scared for my
children’s health. I am sick to my stomach, screaming throughout my entire being stupid scared to, I can't even say it. I can't put that out there.
I
am scared that something will happen to me and I will no longer be here to see
them grow up. I couldn’t bear that. The thought of it actually cripples me, starting at my heart and quickly continues until I have to hold on to something or just crumple into a heap.
When
Ninja drove to Edmonton the other week, all I could think about was what if
something happens? I couldn’t survive that. The thought of that leaves me so overwhelmingly cold the only way I can get warm is to cuddle up to him and know he is there.
What
if death knocks on our door again? How will I answer it? Will I crumble? Or
will I slam the door? I don’t know anymore because I am frozen in fear of what
could happen.
My
heart breaks for our family in Edmonton. So many changes. I can only imagine
that they will wake up at night feeling like they forgot to check his pumps or
something like that. Nothing will be as it has been for the past 5 years.
The
void.
They
no longer get to see his little face, marvel at his quirky personality, or sit
in amazement while watching him figure out his latest puzzle.
My
Besty’s Mom sent me a message when Mom passed. Her words helped me and still do. I
would like to share them with you now,
Hi
Kristin
I
just finished talking to Dana. I am so sorry to hear of your Mom's passing. I
know it is a blessing that she is now at peace, and I also know you have
already suffered so much anticipatory grief. However, at this time that is not
a lot of comfort - no matter how much we grieve ahead and how much we know it
is coming, death hurts. It is so final and suddenly you are left to get along
without her. For so long your focus has been on being with her. For a few days
you will be overwhelmed with people coming and going and getting through the
funeral. Then you are faced with the realization that it's time for your life
to return to normal, except it will not be normal because she will not be
there. A new normal will become your reality, and it will be hard, very hard.
There
will be a time when you are so angry - angry at your Mom for getting sick and
dying, angry that she is no longer with you to watch your kids grow up, anger
at cancer, anger at God, anger at everything because your life has changed.
This is a good thing - it means you are "grieving well" - a phrase I
hate, but it is very true. You will have many days when you think you are
getting better, than you will find something with her writing on it, hear a
song that reminds you of her, be in a situation that used to include her.
Suddenly you will be overcome by sadness and tears. This is a good thing - let
the tears come and don't apologize for them. This still happens to me - if
someone asks what is wrong, I just tell them I'm having a Danny day. That
brings about instant understanding.
Although
I never spent a lot of time with your parents, the times I spent were very
special and I often think of them. I'll never forget your Mom's laughter - I
hear it every time I think of her. Of course I can't watch a football game
without thinking of your Dad and remembering the game we went to together. Your
Mom was a very special lady and you are like her in so many ways. You are
caring and compassionate, loving and kind, strong-willed, protective of those
you love, generous, and you have a wonderful sense of humor. I always loved the
times you and Dana shared with me your adventures - you really know how to tell
a story. You have her courage and strength - traits that will get you through
the tough days ahead. Your Mom loved you so much. She was always there for you
and you had her full support. People learned very quickly not to cross her, but
especially if it was something to do with her kids. She was fiercely protective
of you. Now that you have kids of your own you can probably appreciate how much
she loved you.
Remember
that your Mom doesn't suffer any more, that you have many people who love and
care about you, and that you need to support each other. Most importantly, each
of you need to take care of yourselves, and you will each grieve in a different
way. You all need to grieve however is right for you and don't let anyone take
this away from you. The pain of loss never goes away completely and you will
always remember your Mom. To this day, I can't empty the ice cube tray without
hearing my Dad reminding me to fill it right away! Every time I hear Spirit in
the Sky I know Dan is thinking of me and reminding me he loves me.
I
didn't mean for this to turn into a book. You know me, I just have to say
what's in my heart as that's when I say it best - and I've never learned how to
be a woman of few words!
Love
Mrs. D
I
truly appreciate all the kind words and the messages that I have received
letting me know that you are here for us in so many different ways. Thank you
for keeping my family in your thoughts.
I
have a few posts that I have been meaning to publish that I will get out in the
next few days and then we are off to Edmonton.
HBear
came home from Gymnastics this afternoon early. The coach called me and said
she had a tummy ache. She came home and told Ninja that her tummy felt all squiggly.
She crawled into the big comfy bed and watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. While
getting ready for bath later she said,
“So
Mommy it is kind of weird hey?”
What’s
that?
“3
people died this year. 2 girls and 1 boy. Weird huh? GG, Nana, Aaron. Weird
hey? Weird?”
Then
she had to go to the bathroom. Lots.
Poor
girl. So much loss in so short a period. I feel like she is so sensitive to
words, she will turn them over in her head all night. I walk by and she is in
full Doogie Howser Diary mode. She is thinking over all the conversations she
has heard that day. She is going over all the events that have happened. She
wants to know why and how and what it means.
She
is too young to have death as Her
biggest fear.
My Nana died 1 year ago tomorrow. March 29, 2013. I kept on thinking 2013 sucked. But, here I am in 2014 with the same complaint. So, I now chose to look at this differently.
In 1 year we lost Nana, Mom, Max, Brewski, Mr. D and now Aaron.
GO AWAY! Pick on another family. I am done.
That’s right. I guess I answered my own question.
I am SLAMMING the door on you Grimm.
Your year is officially up.
Move on… just like we have to.
Move ON!
And
I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
-Florence
and the Machine