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All of Sudden 3 Years Went By...



Can - you - hear - me - when - I -Sing, 

you're the reason I sing

You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone... 

And it's you when I look in the mirror 
And it's you that makes it hard to let go 
Sometimes you can't make it on your own 
Sometimes you can't make it 
The best you can do is to fake it 
Sometimes you can't make it on your own 

U2

I hate June. That's right I'm lumpin' the whole Damn month together.

It has been just one thing after another. Another employee quit, we had quite a few rain days, and the weather has not been nearly as nice as it has been in previous Junes. I have been crazy busy in the evenings with School Board meetings, PAC meetings, DPAC meetings, school functions and year end events. I had about 4 things on the go the other day and was trying to clean the house at the same time, you know where I am going with this right?

I plugged my phone into my laptop to take my pictures off and pressed a button without thinking. I have had my new phone since right before Christmas, December 10, 2015 to be exact, I know this to be true because when I synced my phone the other day, it synced to my old phone. My calendar, new contacts, my notes, all of my apps from the past half a year were gone.

My pictures, gone.

I sat on the phone with Telus and Apple for over 3 hours trying to figure out how to get it back. I had to reset my phone to factory. I was crushed. I had been writing this post for a long time… Sometimes I write and write and write stuff that I just delete anyways, but when I think of things, I try to record them. These thoughts are almost always on my phone. It helps me to work it all out.

When Ninja got home he reset all of my accounts and we were happy to see that my notes had been saved under Outlook and therefore I still had my disjointed garble of thoughts from over the past year. As soon as he said they were back, I broke down into tears and couldn't stop.

Year 3.

I am actively not looking at my Facebook memories. They suck.

Here's the good news… I have not cried nearly as much this year as I did last year.

Bad news… I haven't talk to my Mom in 3 years.

***right now as I edit this it is Father's Day at 9:05pm. It is all just point form and now I go in and make full sentences. I hate this part. I just read that and I don't want to read anymore. Each moment that I recorded, when I read it I can remember that gut punch or thinking it, coming to the realization about certain things...***



That sounds filthy, disgusting, revolting coming out of my mouth.

Numbers seem to mean something now. I hate thinking about tomorrow. The first day of year 4. 

That Fucking sucks. 

I have always counted to something... 11 more days till Christmas, 3 months until we are wed, 2 weeks until I get to meet my baby, 6 more inches to get on the ride… Always looking towards an end goal. There's no goal here. Now I'm counting away from something.

If the first year was a year of denial and the second year was the year of anger then this has been my year of quiet acceptance. I have not yelled at her as much and I don't have nights when all I can do is cry...

I no longer have to remind myself that she isn't here. I don't feel sick to my stomach every time HBear says Nana.

Don't get me wrong I still have triggers! The floodgates opened when they announced the Gilmore Girls revival.

Seriously.

My Mom and I loved that show. Our relationship was a lot like Lorelai and Rory except for when we were arguing LOL.

When we were bad, we were bad.

But when we were good. We were really really good.

Trigger, Voicemail.

It has been an ongoing debate in our house as to whether not we should cut off our home phone line. Honestly, the only debate was… The last physical part of my Mom. Getting rid of the phone means getting rid of The voicemail which means getting rid of her voice.

I can recite it out loud. I can hear her exact inflections when she says we are not able to come to the phone. It is the exact same voice that was on our answering machine as a kid. You know before invisible voicemail, when every time someone called you would hear Mom's message throughout the house LOL it was the same message I would listen to right before my school left a message about me skipping class LOL.

I have had people call the house and when I answer they ask me to hang up so that they can hear Mom. Even I have listened to it on occasion. I still can't watch videos but hearing her voice is reassuring every once in a while. Sometimes I hear the girls open up their pre-recorded books, Mom and Dad did them a couple days before Mom passed. It doesn't sound like her. She sounds like Sick Kathy. Not CampMaster Kathy, Figure Skating Instructor Kathy, Brown Owl Kathy, President of the WRL Kathy, Health & Family Services Kathy, Keeper of the Family History Kathy, or any of the other many sides of my Mom.

Another major trigger is when I see someone that resembles my Mom. I didn't know it before but there's tons of them! It's even worse if she's with her daughter! Actually, seeing any mother/daughter combo shopping, walking, laughing, it doesn't really matter, it hurts. I remember a couple months ago when I was washing my hands at the mall in Kelowna and I looked up in the mirror and saw a woman that looked similar to my Mom come out of the stall. I did a double take. Then her daughter, who was about my age, came out of the stall next to her. They were bantering with each other and joking around. It was like the room was closing in around me.

I had to run out of the bathroom. I knocked people over in my sprint because of the tears pouring down my face.

Just the other day I was volunteering at sports day at HBear's school. After my shift at the obstacle course I ran up the hill hoping to see HBear before I had to get Hot Lunch going. When I got up there I stood beside 1 of HBear's friend's Grandma. She is a great lady. As we were talking her daughter, HBear's friend's Mom, came up to us. She handed her Mom her coffee and said she needed a bathroom break with a peck on the cheek.

Thank Gawd I had my big sunglasses on. I couldn't keep the fat tears from quietly escaping.

You know what else is a trigger?

Me.

When a song comes on the radio and I am driving my minivan and I start snapping my fingers, I can actually see her in me. Sometimes when people are talking and I'm nodding in agreement over their words I can see my Mom in me. When I throw back my head and laugh I hear her coming out of me. When I call the girls My Love, I can hear her say that to me.

Trigger, when the garden centres start popping up.

Mom loved gardening. I can picture her wearing her gardening gloves, her floppy hat and her gray gardening tank top. I never liked gardening. She asked me all the time to come out into her beautiful flower garden and weed with her. I did a few times but I just don't like... dirt lol. I regret not spending that time with her now.

Trigger Outlander.

I so wish she was here to talk about that series. She had been trying to tell me about it for years. She couldn't remember what it was called but it was a time traveller and a highlander. Our search led us to new series and authors like Karen Marie Moning but we never found out it was Outlander. As soon as I heard the plot for the new show, I knew I had found it. I quickly got into the series. I love it. We loved talking about new series. She loved reading.

Trigger, blue skies.

Every time I drive into Kelowna and we cross the bridge, I see the smoke stacks of the hospital and I feel my gut tense up and heave. Every time we leave Kelowna and cross the bridge I think, "this was the exact drive my Mom took. Her last drive ever." While she was in hospice we talked about that drive. She told me she pictured the lake. The perfect (she called it) California blue sky at the hottest point of the day... 4pm. The green mountain valley, the hoodoos and the Summerland hill with it gorgeous view. She had a smile on her face when she told me (again lol) how much she loved cresting the hill, rounding the bend and seeing that breathtakingly beautiful view of the lake, the mountains and the blue skies without a wisp of a cloud anywhere. She said she closed her eyes and pictured it the whole ambulance ride home. Her final drive.

Trigger, fresh snow.

I can picture her last winter. She wanted to take pictures down by the creek and she tumbled down the embankment almost into the rushing water! She thought it was HILARIOUS! She did get some great pictures though lol.

Trigger whenever I remember my Girls won't know her.

A couple weeks ago HBear couldn't get to sleep. When Ninja asked her what was wrong she burst into tears. This is what she said, "Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I'm very sad. I can't remember Nana's voice anymore. I used to remember everything about when I was 3 but now I can't."

My biggest trigger though is when I have a bad day.

Now I know that I've said this before but it bears repeating, being a Mom without a Mom is hard. She is the person I would ask, should I take her to the doctors? What is this rash? What do I tell her when she gets into a fight with her friends? How do I get her to freaking listen? How do I get her to stop screaming???? She is the 1 I would call when I was at my wit's end and needed a boost. My unconditional, always on your side, fight and make up always, got your back, answer for everything... my Mom.

Today I woke up to the bing of my phone. It was my sweet Sis reminding me of the bond we share; and also reminding me what day it is. Not like I could ever forget. I didn't want to get out of bed. SBean curled in with some books and we laid there. HBear must've felt the same way because she actually slept in! We have never been late for school before but today we didn't get moving till later and I dropped her off at 9:45! As she was getting out of the van she gave me a kiss and handed me a ring. She said "it's to remember Nana's green thumb. I love you Mommy."



Man, am I lucky.

I always said June 20, 2013 was the longest day of my life. I didn't sleep. That day lasted for days… Weeks. Today, June 20, 2016 is the summer solstice. It actually IS the longest day of the year.

Figures.

I like tributes. That memorial segment of the Oscars or any award show for that matter, really get me. I enjoy that they recognize people for the lives they had and things they accomplished.  On Twitter the other day I saw a link to a gallery of people that we have lost this year. There were 69 people. There were authors, award-winning actors, producers, comedians, athletes, politicians, and musicians. We have had a rough year in celebrity deaths. It just reminds me that every day someone loses an important person.


I like remembering my Mom. It brings me joy to remember her. Thankfully, I have begun to experience little things… Standing over the stove and a happy memory will come back to me and I can finally laugh and smile.

This year we decided to honour Mom by sharing her love of reading with the whole town! I collected books from her bookshelf, from the library sale table and my MBesty donated a bunch too! I sat and made little cards and taped them to the inside of all 50 books!







Today we started off by getting ourselves Starbucks! We paid for the car behind us... "pass it on for Kathy!" Then we blanketed the city with books!

We walked down the pier and left books on benches,



At preschools, schools and the Boys and Girls Club,



In bus shelters and on bus benches,



In parks,

 

gardens,


playgrounds,


laundromats, gazebos,


and the beaches.


We even left children's books in carts at Walmart! While we were at it we ran around and put back carts for elderly people.

After school we picked up HBear and she joined our fun! We left 1 at Whole Foods, schools,



Baseball diamonds,


The Hospice and the Hospital. While we were there we put money in all the parking machines for the next people.



Our last 1 was dropped off at the arena. A perfect spot since Mom loved skating.


We also took Mom up some flowers. I couldn't get HBear to smile. She was quite teary all day actually. We hugged and sang You Are My Sunshine to Nana and then we were back on our book mission.


When we got home, these gorgeous flowers were waiting for us! No card though... they are beautiful and Lilies were 1 of Mom's favourites!! Thank you to the thoughtful person who cheered up our day!


I don't have a new recipe for you today. I am going to share 1 of my Mom's favourite dishes though! She LOVED pulled pork sandwiches! I made them for her on her birthday, while she was in hospice and for Mother's Day. Click on the picture to link to the recipe that we perfected together.


Yesterday was Father's Day. I always feel so bad for Ninja and Dad. I never put in 100% because I always have so much on my mind. This year we were proactive and we rented a family pontoon boat for the morning! I thought fishing and a picnic would be a wonderful way to spend Father's Day!

So, we met my inlaws at the marina at 8:45am and the gates were locked! We waited until a bit after 9 and then we packed up and went to their house for a breakfast "picnic."

Seriously.

Later on they called and gave me some excuse about switching over reservation books and how sorry they were. Not sorry enough to offer to give me back my deposit though! No, they said they weren't busy so we could come and use the boat for the rest of the day! What? My Inlaws were headed to Calgary after lunch so we obviously couldn't take the boat out when they didn't even open the gates until 11am!

Bunk.

Just call us the Griswolds. LOL

We still had a fabulous morning of snacks and gift giving. Thank you to Beyond the Stitch for the awesome personalized gifts!












Sis & family bought Dad a bike helmet. He liked it so much... him and HBear went out and bought himself a bike to go with it!


We hung out for the rest of the day.



We made a simple dinner,


and celebrated with a DQ cake!


Happy Father's Day to all the amazing Daddies out there! I know I am blessed to have a wonderful and compassionate Dad and an amazing husband who constantly makes my heart grow bigger by being such an phenomenal Daddy to our girls. They are both kind, patient, and extremely forgiving. I am a very lucky lady! 

On a day of such sadness it is wonderful to be able to count the blessings that I have in my life. 

I miss you Mommies so very much. Even though I can't see you, I can still hear your voice in my head, constantly urging forward, praising me and scolding me sometimes too lol. I know you are always with me because when I need you, you show yourself in the most amazing ways... and I find the strength to smile and carry on.

On our Book Drop today :)

And when the night is cloudy

There is still a light that shines on me

Shine on until tomorrow, 
let it be
I wake up to the sound of music,
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, 
let it be

The Beatles



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