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My Biggest Fear

Isn't it crazy how we can look back a year ago and realize how much everything has changed? The amount of people that have left your life, entered, and stayed. The memories you won't forget and the moments you wish you did. Everything. It is crazy how all that happened in just one year.

- Unknown


I hate snakes. When I was little I remember Mom, Dad and family friends taking us to the snake pits in Manitoba. Mom said it was to help me get over my fear.

It did not work.

In fact, I remember that experience as a claustrophobic experience. Like there was nowhere I was safe. I couldn’t escape the trillions of “deadly” garter snakes that were EVERYwhere!

I didn’t sleep for days weeks.

I hate snakes. I actually think if I saw 1, and I do live in a desert where there are many different types, yeah, I have to stop talking about that now if I want to sleep tonight. 

But, just let me say, I think I would be paralyzed with fear.

I always thought snakes would forever be my biggest fear. Even flying, a huge fear of mine, eased with time (and flight hours, I took flying lesson to overcome my fear lol). When I flew to South Korea, I felt like I could do anything!

I realized yesterday, snakes are no big thang… 

it is death that is now my biggest fear.

My nephew died yesterday. 

He fought cancer and cancer like the bitch she is fought harder.

I am petrified of cancer.

I mean heart stopping, hear your blood pumping in your ears with only blackness fogging your brain scared of cancer.

I am so scared that someday that evil disease could come knocking at our door again. I am terrified that it will come looking for my girls. I am scared for my children’s health. I am sick to my stomach, screaming throughout my entire being stupid scared to, I can't even say it. I can't put that out there.

I am scared that something will happen to me and I will no longer be here to see them grow up. I couldn’t bear that. The thought of it actually cripples me, starting at my heart and quickly continues until I have to hold on to something or just crumple into a heap.

When Ninja drove to Edmonton the other week, all I could think about was what if something happens?  I couldn’t survive that. The thought of that leaves me so overwhelmingly cold the only way I can get warm is to cuddle up to him and know he is there.

What if death knocks on our door again? How will I answer it? Will I crumble? Or will I slam the door? I don’t know anymore because I am frozen in fear of what could happen.

My heart breaks for our family in Edmonton. So many changes. I can only imagine that they will wake up at night feeling like they forgot to check his pumps or something like that. Nothing will be as it has been for the past 5 years. 

The void.

They no longer get to see his little face, marvel at his quirky personality, or sit in amazement while watching him figure out his latest puzzle.

My Besty’s Mom sent me a message when Mom passed. Her words helped me and still do. I would like to share them with you now,

Hi Kristin

I just finished talking to Dana. I am so sorry to hear of your Mom's passing. I know it is a blessing that she is now at peace, and I also know you have already suffered so much anticipatory grief. However, at this time that is not a lot of comfort - no matter how much we grieve ahead and how much we know it is coming, death hurts. It is so final and suddenly you are left to get along without her. For so long your focus has been on being with her. For a few days you will be overwhelmed with people coming and going and getting through the funeral. Then you are faced with the realization that it's time for your life to return to normal, except it will not be normal because she will not be there. A new normal will become your reality, and it will be hard, very hard.

There will be a time when you are so angry - angry at your Mom for getting sick and dying, angry that she is no longer with you to watch your kids grow up, anger at cancer, anger at God, anger at everything because your life has changed. This is a good thing - it means you are "grieving well" - a phrase I hate, but it is very true. You will have many days when you think you are getting better, than you will find something with her writing on it, hear a song that reminds you of her, be in a situation that used to include her. Suddenly you will be overcome by sadness and tears. This is a good thing - let the tears come and don't apologize for them. This still happens to me - if someone asks what is wrong, I just tell them I'm having a Danny day. That brings about instant understanding.

Although I never spent a lot of time with your parents, the times I spent were very special and I often think of them. I'll never forget your Mom's laughter - I hear it every time I think of her. Of course I can't watch a football game without thinking of your Dad and remembering the game we went to together. Your Mom was a very special lady and you are like her in so many ways. You are caring and compassionate, loving and kind, strong-willed, protective of those you love, generous, and you have a wonderful sense of humor. I always loved the times you and Dana shared with me your adventures - you really know how to tell a story. You have her courage and strength - traits that will get you through the tough days ahead. Your Mom loved you so much. She was always there for you and you had her full support. People learned very quickly not to cross her, but especially if it was something to do with her kids. She was fiercely protective of you. Now that you have kids of your own you can probably appreciate how much she loved you.

Remember that your Mom doesn't suffer any more, that you have many people who love and care about you, and that you need to support each other. Most importantly, each of you need to take care of yourselves, and you will each grieve in a different way. You all need to grieve however is right for you and don't let anyone take this away from you. The pain of loss never goes away completely and you will always remember your Mom. To this day, I can't empty the ice cube tray without hearing my Dad reminding me to fill it right away! Every time I hear Spirit in the Sky I know Dan is thinking of me and reminding me he loves me.

I didn't mean for this to turn into a book. You know me, I just have to say what's in my heart as that's when I say it best - and I've never learned how to be a woman of few words!

Love Mrs. D

I truly appreciate all the kind words and the messages that I have received letting me know that you are here for us in so many different ways. Thank you for keeping my family in your thoughts.

I have a few posts that I have been meaning to publish that I will get out in the next few days and then we are off to Edmonton.

HBear came home from Gymnastics this afternoon early. The coach called me and said she had a tummy ache. She came home and told Ninja that her tummy felt all squiggly. She crawled into the big comfy bed and watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. While getting ready for bath later she said,

“So Mommy it is kind of weird hey?”

What’s that?

“3 people died this year. 2 girls and 1 boy. Weird huh? GG, Nana, Aaron. Weird hey? Weird?”

Then she had to go to the bathroom. Lots.

Poor girl. So much loss in so short a period. I feel like she is so sensitive to words, she will turn them over in her head all night. I walk by and she is in full Doogie Howser Diary mode. She is thinking over all the conversations she has heard that day. She is going over all the events that have happened. She wants to know why and how and what it means.

She is too young to have death as Her biggest fear.

My Nana died 1 year ago tomorrow. March 29, 2013. I kept on thinking 2013 sucked. But, here I am in 2014 with the same complaint. So, I now chose to look at this differently.

In 1 year we lost Nana, Mom, Max, Brewski, Mr. D and now Aaron.

GO AWAY! Pick on another family. I am done.

That’s right. I guess I answered my own question. 

I am SLAMMING the door on you Grimm. 

Your year is officially up. 

Move on… just like we have to.

Move ON!

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

-Florence and the Machine


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